Dating rules during 1st year soberiety

02-Jul-2015 00:00 by 4 Comments

Dating rules during 1st year soberiety

When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to "choosing" between "one step at a time" versus "all at once," thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. Most recovering addicts don't realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. Sex tends to increase one's level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women.

She didn't want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did.

It's during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction.

A year of sobriety and "relationship abstinence" is meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one's own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one's own emotional care.

Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary.

In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign.

At the 5 month point of a sustained period of "relationship abstinence", Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the "writing was on the wall." Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait "so long." When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, "Not too much I hope.

Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual.

He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice.

Linda couldn't see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.

As long as I'm not using and we're not using and are in a program, I'm safe. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, "Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated." Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population.

Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule Despite one's best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk?